The Holt Blog

I had a horrible day today. The pastor and band leader of our church suspended me indefinitely from the band. We had a meeting after church, and they informed me in no uncertain terms that I:

- Am generally disrespectful (I don’t sit in the services with everyone else?)
- Gripe all the time
- Make their jobs difficult
- Don’t seem to like playing any of the songs we do

I’ve been playing in the band for over five years. I feel none of these things are true about me, and it was a mystery to me how they could feel this way. Much of it seems to be related to my personality type, which states the following about what I tend to be like:

“…has no understanding or value for decisions made on the basis of personal subjectivity or feelings. They strive constantly to achieve logical conclusions to problems, and don’t understand the importance or relevance of applying subjective emotional considerations to decisions.”

“…he or she may become overly critical and sarcastic with others. If… not able to find a place for themself which supports the use of their strongest abilities, they may become generally negative and cynical.”

“They may not recognize basic social principles, such as appropriate dress and general behavior.”

“They may unknowingly or uncaringly hurt people’s feelings.”

There are plenty of positive things about my type as well, but none of them seemed to serve me today. I feel that my band leaders either 1) don’t understand how to work with/understand me very well, or 2) that I’m really messed up and don’t realize how I come across to others. Perhaps it’s a combination of both.

In any case, I was really shocked at their opinions of me. After five years+ of faithful service, sacrificing my time, effort, and musical tastes for their sake, apprently my demeanor has become so bad that they can’t stand to play with me? I certainly haven’t gone looking for this. I feel the utmost respect for my fellow band members and their abilities – but they don’t see this.

Another part of the issue may be that I treat music differently than most people seem to. I think all the time about what I’m playing, the style we are playing, what changes we can make to create better music, what others are doing to this end, etc. Music is a science to me. THEY are usually thinking about making the service run smoothly, getting through the rehearsal, and ironing out mistakes. Neither is inherently bad, but I think sometimes the two positions have clashed. Since I consider myself experienced in what we do, I am usually vocal about things as well – not to be confrontational but to present my position clearly.

I’m not even sure I’d like to play again if they let me. It would certainly mean less work for me. As an insensitive introvert, sometimes expending the effort just to get along with people is hard. The driving and lugging stuff around isn’t easy either. I’m still unsure. At this point, I’m still shocked, a trifle angry, and depressed about myself.

Yesterday I arrived home from work and was given the following directions: Take a nap, pack dinner to go, and pack an overnight bag with swimming stuff. ok! So, i did as directed and when ben returned home from work we got in the car and drove. Drove 2.7 miles down the road to the Holiday Inn! Ben reserved us a room there and we just a had a wonderful and relaxing time there! The inside is decorated like outdoors, so outside our slider door we had a little porch with stone pathway leading to the pool and plants all around. It was great! Felt like we really were in Florida! We explored, ate our picnic dinner, went in the pool, watched some shows, and even had pizza delivered later right to room 134! So, it was just a fantastic surprise, and a great little get-away! Thanks Ben!

Yesterday I answered my summons for Federal Grand Jury service in Worcester. The drive took me about half an hour, but since I have a poor sense of direction and hate cities, it took me another half hour to find a parking spot and walk to the courthouse building. I asked for directions about 6 times along the way.

Finally, I arrive a few minutes late and they take my flashlight, knife, lighter, and cell phone, and I run up the stairs. I asked a security guard where the fifth floor was. He said, “We don’t have a fifth floor here.” Apparently I had found the WRONG COURTHOUSE. So I collected my stuff and walked out, and there was a woman who had done the same thing (thank goodness). She also happened to be better at directions than me, so we walked another half a mile or so to the real Federal court building.

When we got there they again collected my stuff and checked in. I was directed to a huge courtroom where about 60-70 random people were. After waiting another half hour and watching a horrible movie over 20 years old was about what a Grand Jury does, the judge came in and his clerk started picking jurors. The chances of getting picked were slim – 33 people out of 70. But I was about the 10th picked. None of the people seated around me were – and they were all happy about it.

Truthfully, I wasn’t disappointed to get picked. Plenty of other people spoke to the judge personally to try to get off due to “hardship”. Some of them he let go, others he denied. I don’t have much of an excuse not to serve. They also pay $40 a day and 48.5 cents a mile for travel. It’s not much but something.

Grand Jurors serve for EIGHTEEN MONTHS – minimum. That term can be extended if we’re hearing a complex case. We serve once a week for this whole term. There are 23 of us with 10 alternates. We hear cases before they are brought to trial, and issue indictments based on “probable cause”. In other words, we decide if the case should be thrown out or not. We decide on crimes involving Federal law such as those involving guns or drugs. We are simultaneously a sword and shield – protecting the innocent from accusations without enough evidence to convict, and punishing the guilty by bringing them to justice. Our deliberations are kept secret.

After all the jurors were picked, the rest of the crowd was released and we were talked to for a while about our duties. Eventually we were released. Then came the wandering around the city, looking for the parking garage where my car was parked. It took me about 20 minutes just to find it (remember, I was at a different courthouse and disoriented) and another 20 minutes of walking around the garage looking for my car. In my defense, the garage was HUGE. Not just multiple floors, but multiple sections with floors. Finally, I pulled up to the exit gate to pay, and realized I had no cash. THEY DIDN’T TAKE ANYTHING BUT CASH. So I had to park, walk 10 minutes up the street to an ATM, call Jill at work for the PIN number to get money, walk back, and by this time I’m feeling strong animosity toward cities and everything in them.

After I got out of the black-hole-parking-garage, I drove in circles looking for the highway. I was finally home around two. Whew.

I am socially anxious, which is why I like being alone much of the time – and why I hate cities and crowds. I’m an introvert. That said, God has granted me the ability to act sociable in public. For instance, in the jury room with 70 people, I was able to start conversations with 5-6 different people during the course of the day. Most people just sit and look straight ahead in this situation. I’m grateful to be able to put my anxiety aside in these situations. However, I was quite glad to be home away from people and the city.

On Saturday night Jill and I had a Irish-themed potluck. A bunch of friends came for quite awhile. Some of our fun activities:

- Drinking yummy Malibu Milkshakes (made by yours truly) with green food coloring.
- Eating corned beef and cabbage, green eggs and spam (yes real spam), Jello cake, and other good food.

- Based on an idea by Tony, we made Guiness floats. Yes, ice cream with beer. Some people loved it, some hated it.

- Sniped at each other with over-powered nerf guns.
- Played DDR (a video game where you actually dance a lot)
- Played some Irish tunes (you can hear one here, we recorded a few.

- Played spoons, which is some sort of weird card game I didn’t play

Many of these photos will make their way onto the pictures page, but Jill usually manages that and I wanted to get these up.