The Holt Blog

The human vermin must be exterminated. There is no other way.. When you’re up against the wall it’s either scratch or be scratched. In order to justify my actions (not that I must do so, of course) I provide you with the following transcript, instigated by that horrible, rabid, cat-hating human. You will also note that I was provoked first, and yet answered with only firm correction. A second offense I shall not forgive from this reckless peasant, especially when he threatens me. The nerve! He shall have to be eliminated.

The first offense:

Hey there, little buddy!

I just thought I’d send you a quick email to see how
you are doing. Did you get that worm problem fixed
yet? Hope you feel better soon.

Later,
~Nate

Note his blatant disregard for royalty, his extreme lack of manners, and his intrusion into private affairs. I answered in kind:

Nathan:

I shall grace you this once with a reply, but should you attempt to write me such foolishness in the future, do not expect a reply at all.

In the first place, such a degrading salutation is not appropriate for your station. Whence did the peasant population begin addressing nobility so? You may address a cat as “Sir”, “Madam”, or “Your Grace”, but never a phrase like “little buddy”. How absurd! You’re lucky I don’t have you declawed for your disrespectful attitude.

Secondly, my health concerns are mine, and those of the servants I choose to share them with. As you are NOT one of the privileged few caring for my every need, you may keep your remarks about my health to yourself.

As far as your wish regarding my health, you need not bother. Of course I realize that you wish me to be in perfect health. Else whom would care for you ignorant guttersnipes?

Ubu the Cat

The second, and final offense came in the form of the following letter. It was the last straw – you shan’t be seeing this peasant scum again.

Listen Pond Scum…

I used to like cats, but now I’m having second
thoughts… how many lives do you have? Nine? We’ll
see about that.

I will not tollerate such ignorant behavior from such
a small animal, claws or no claws. You should be
greatful for the benevolence of those people like Ben
and Jill who look out for your well being. Yes, not
all cats like you get to just lounge around all day…
some are actually doing something with their lives
like killing mice. Sounds like you need someone to
put you in your place, you smelly mangy animal.

I’d watch your back, cat.

~Nate

I’ve never blogged before, but since Ben put up this great blog, I can’t stop myself. I need to be heard – and what better way to broadcast my brilliant ideas to the world? It’s been pretty good here – I adopted Jill and Ben in December, and I’ve been habitating here until the next great thing comes along. Jill and Ben call this place a “house”, which I find most humorous. It’s like 200 sq. feet in here, which is what we cats refer to as a “hole in the ground”. Still, it’s warm in here (most of the time), and sometimes Jill and Ben feed me stuff other than that sawdust-tasting cat food. Today, for example, I had some turkey. Yesterday I had some raw chicken fat too – THAT was good. And I even got tuna the other day, which as you know is simply the most exquisite food known to cat. So I suppose even with my limited territorial rights, I can gradually learn to accept life here.

Yesterday and today I coerced Ben into letting me out of this cage, and I exercised my legs properly for the first time in months. Granted, all the wet snow made for some inconvience – but it was a fun time overall.

I shall grace you with my presence yet more after I take a catnap, plot how I may exterminate those disgusting, twittering birds, and fight off some ennui (which doubtless springs from my limited boundaries).